Top Ten Intrusive Question Number Ten: Can’t you have your “own” children?
I have never, in my entire life, felt that it was appropriate to ask a complete stranger about their reproductive status. What goes on, or for that matter, doesn’t go on in my uterus is my business. Is that not completely apparent?
The thing I find most ridiculous about this question is the obvious lack of prior planning when asking this question. I’m assuming it is common knowledge that if a woman is having reproductive issues that she will be at least a little bit upset by the situation. It seems to me that if I were quite interested in having a baby and we tried and tried but it wasn’t working, that it would NOT be a subject I wanted to chat about in the produce section. So, if we all know that this would be a particularly sensitive issue, then it would lead me to believe that you could find yourself with a very weepy, angry, heartbroken woman on your hands if you decided to go down the “reproductive challenges” road. Beside that, what exactly are these people planning on saying when faced with the inevitable “No, I can’t have biological children”? Again, obviously a lack of prior planning. When I respond with our truthful answer, that we never were interested in having bio children, they look at me like I have a third eye. I just haven’t figured out what answer these intrusive people are looking for.
In addition to the obvious difficulties with this question, the word “own” makes me cringe. T and Z are my own children. When they vomit, I clean it. When they cry, I wipe their tears. When they kick a soccer goal, I cheer. When they throw a fit, I am present and accounted for. They carry our last name and they have even taken on some of our habits and mannerisms. What is it about our relationship that leads people to believe that they are not “mine”? When I look at these people and very plainly state that these are my “own” children, emphasis added, again, I have a third eye. They look at me as though I have offended them and I should clearly know that they didn’t mean it “that way”. Honestly, I am the one who is offended and it is time that they understand that my family is just as real as any other. The only thing that tops the asking of this question is the asking of this question when “my” children are present. What kind of insensitivity does it require to alienate a child further by pointing out their lack of biological connection to me? Really, get a clue people.
Top Ten Intrusive Question Number Nine: Don’t you want to have a baaaaaby?
Nope, that isn’t a spelling error above. The question is always asked with the whiny emphasis on the word baby. I think this question is ridiculous for very basic reasons. All of the people who have asked this question know, prior to asking, that I am the mother of two older adopted children. Obviously, I didn’t want to have a baaaaaby. I wanted to have the children who were led into my life. I am not missing out on everything that is important because they didn’t arrive in my life on day one. I have just as many firsts as any other mom. In fact, sometimes I have more satisfying firsts.
Once, when I was driving T to soccer for his very first practice, he looked over at me with tears in his eyes and said, “Mom, no one has ever cared about me enough to let me play sports.” That is the kind of moment that makes parenting older adopted children worth all the pain and heartache. That was T’s first time feeling loved and worthwhile because he had a parent willing to invest themselves in his life. I wouldn’t trade that first for his first steps any day of the week.
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